Sunday, October 11, 2009

05. Tings Nov 05

(7:26 am Nov 05, 2005)


In that letter, was a dollar.

Cent, five cent, ten cent, dollar.

In her right hand, was a silver dollar.


Dude, I bet you think the song goes:

paper bag, I'll meet you
same place, same time


It is:

And in her right hand is a silver dagger.

OK, OK, gimma one break.

I never said I was an expert on dollars ya know. If I was to show you my bank balance you would know dat. But then I would have to kill you. I heard someone suggest the other day that the "But then I would have to kill you" ploy might count as a valid protection mechanism under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act.

So, we used to have pounds, shillings and pence but sometime in the sixties we switched to dollars and have not looked back since.

I mean, can you imagine?

Penny, thruppence, shilling, pound.

Just not as musical, is it?

Even after the switch though we still had funky money. A square fifteen cent piece. A ten cent piece with a scalloped edge. A fifty cent note and a red three dollar bill. Now, the three dollar bill is not special in our monetary affairs on account of it being red. No, all of our notes are of various colours. The half dollar bill and the three dollar bill are just special on account of their denominations. And no, they are not jumpers.
(7:50 am Nov 05, 2005)

OK, I think it is time for you too meet some new characters.

First we have Spike. Spike is a scorpion and he lives on a small cay offshore of the bay that is east of Coral Harbour and has the rat bat's palace on its shores.

Next we have Leggs. Leggs is a centipede. Leggs is no play play centipede mind you. Leggs is fifteen inches of meanness and obstinance.

Hmmm. Who else should we bring on stage today. OK, OK, I know this is supposed to be a novel and not a play and so, technically, there is no stage to bring these characters on to, but again, give me a break will you?!?!

Besides, all the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.

That has a nice ring to it, don't you think? That might be one of the better things I have ever written.


I look like I just fall off a turnip truck to you? You didn't just write that.

Yes, I did, you just saw me write it. OK, well I typed it, I didn't write it. You are always being so technical.

Now you are being foolish. I know those words are from "As you like it." Act II Scene VII. You should know better than to try and pass another's work off as your own. Especially the Bard's.

Now, that's where you are wrong. You see, passing a significant chunk of another's work off as your own can get you in deep trouble. I am not talking of simply alluding to or making a reference to someone else's work. I am talking of actually using the work of another as if it were your own.

Right, and that is what you tried to do.

Precisely. And precisely wrong. You see, if I had tried to pass off some obscure writer's work as my own, people might have taken me serious. And I could have landed in hot water. Now, by pretending to try and pass off some famous quote as my own, it ends up being humourous instead. At least it would have been if you had not gotten involved and made this long, drawn out, boring, discussion happen. Go back to working on your own nano novel will you and stay out of mine. Well, no, I don't mean exactly that. You know what I mean, just go.

Exit, stage left.

(8:16 am Nov 05, 2005)


Blue moon. Blue Bayou. Blue Suede Shoes. Blue on blue. Blue, the colour of those pesky Caribs. Soundly defeated by the Lucayans robed in their victorious Red. "SIMBA!" chants ring out!

Blue. Many shades and variations of blue in the Bahamian seas and skies. Beautiful blue. Soothing blue. Appetite arresting blue. The blue plate special. All you can't eat. Now maybe that could work in the islands. An all you can't eat restaurant.

Blue Nylon Thread. Blue Thread Hues. Concerning The Establishment Of A Blue Thread Factory In Outer Mongolia.

I give you a quote from that famous tome...

"We are presently looking for a small, select group of alien investors to help fund our infrastructure development program. We are offering Class IAA shares in our company. Each share also comes with the right to buy a share in the factory itself at a future date. Considering the excellent profit potential of our endeavors, we expect having the required investors at an early date. Therefore, if you wish to gain an equity position in this venture you should call right away. Don't wait, call today!"

I called and it looked like I would be rich for a while. Then things turned ugly and the alien investors pulled out.

Now you have to understand. These weren't alien investors as in investors from another country. No, these really were alien investors, you know, the kind that are rumoured to visit in UFOs. Yes, those kind of alien investors. Something about some plans in some out of the way room in some government office. I don't really know. That was all rumours too.


Spike decided he was tired of his little cay and wanted to see the wider world. He dragged a small piece of driftwood down the beach and hopped on as it began floating on the waves. Between the winds and the current, he ended up coming ashore on the beach in Coral harbour in the exact spot where Cang had been painfully introduced to Junior a few days ago.

OK, OK. XXIII. And yes, I think there are a lot of coincidences in fiction as well, but you never know. Humans just don't seem to have good instincts when it comes to statistics and especially the statistics as it relates to degrees of separation and the like.

(8:30 am Nov 05, 2005)

(9:23 am Nov 05, 2005)

Just ask a bunch of people their opinion of the birthday problem if you want confirmation of this.

What is the birthday problem, you ask.

How many random people do you need in a room to have a better than fifty-fifty chance of two having the same birthday. Not counting the year naturally.


That is so bogus. The bogosity factor just went up around here. he tried to pass me some bogus money.

He was like, budy, you gat change for a thirty? So I was like, not exact, but I could give you thirty five if you have a five to add to that thirty.

He said sure, so I take his thirty and his five and give him back two twelves and a leven.

Man, you bad like dat.

(9:31 am Nov 05, 2005)

Bogus, bogus, bogus. Spike liked he sound of that word. Bogus, it just sort of came out smoothly. Bogus. Tres bogus.

Spike, headed east, crossed the canals, passed the rat bat palace and then after a little more walking along the rocky shore, headed in along the creek lined with the mangrove trees.


Leggs was sitting under Bruno's porch when she slipped out, the morning sunlight was not her bag. You could say that she and the morning sun were bad company. She did have a rebel soul though.

Leggs took one look at her and she yuk up his vexation. Now, like I have said, Leggs was known around town for his meanness and his obstinance, but seeing she brought him to a whole nother level entirely. What he felt when she burned her form into his mind was multiple orders of magnitude of meanness than he had ever felt before. If fact, this feeling was qualitatively different to everything he had ever felt before, not just quantitatively different.

It was all he could do to hold himself still and await his chance. Every leg on his body wanted to burst into a frenzy of motion and carry his body headlong into action.

The years of ninja training payed off. Although all of his hundred feet remained touching the exact same spot on the earth, his entire body vibrated. It was strange, it almost seemed to him that he was resonating.

He had begun to notice this new feeling after the new guy moved in a few days ago. There was something about him. Leggs felt deep inside that that something may also have been contributing to his feelings towards she.

She came to the edge of the porch and turned around and cast a longing glance to the bathroom window she had used to gain entrance the night before. There really was nothing like love in she eyes though. Not now, nor the night before.

She came down the steps. Bruno had never returned and she suspected he might have gotten stuck on the MTA with some guy and his never ending supply of sandwiches. She was mistaken. This was the Bahamas and not Jamaica.


Well, Leggs wasn't zoned, but he felt he was in the zone as it were. He let his mind release the hold it had on his body, his legs in particular and he was off like a shot, silently speeding up behind she.

She had no chance. Leggs was on he in an instant. A regular centipede could have probably put a hurtin on she. A fifteen inch centipede could have definitely put a hurtin on she. A meaner than a junk yard dog, fifteen inch centipede could have put a major hurtin on she. Leggs was a fifteen inch, meaner than a junk yard dog, ninja trained centipede. Like I said, she had no chance.

You could say that she was zoned after the fist bite, but that would be an understatement. You may not have noticed, but we are not generally given to understatements around here. Overstatements, yes. Underhanded statements. Yes, but let's not shout it out loud, OK? Undertow? yes, but that is not relevant to this part of the story.

(10:20 am Nov 05, 2005)

He left she in pieces on the concrete pathway. You must understand. I don't mean to imply that he left she heart in pieces. He, he actually left she in pieces.

Pieces which Red swooped down and flew out over the harbour and dropped into the water. Pieces which Heath swallowed in passing. Sorry, I wasn't supposed to introduce Heath today, but he sort of butted his way into the story there.

Leggs crawled back under the porch and crawled into a crack and settled down contented. He dreamed ninja dreams of she demise and his glorious part in it. Even as he slept, his body vibrated with a subtle rhythm.

(10:28 am Nov 05, 2005)


Spike crossed the creek at a spot that looked promising and continued on.


The soldiers woke up in the bushes, tangled in their own net, their own blue nylon thread net. The shame. The disgrace. At least it wasn't Cang who had overpowered them and trussed them up like two chickens. Who had handled them as easily as two drunken chickens, their heads bound for the chopping block. Their bodies destined to run around drunk with no heads. No, it was XXIII who had done this to them. They still could not believe it. Two, large, strong, highly trained and highly motivated soldiers overcome and trussed up by a child of a crab. Two soldiers, turned on by one of their own in defense of a human. A hairy human at that.

It was certainly gonna be hard trying to live this down. perhaps they should not tell any of the other soldiers. No, that wouldn't do. They would have to at least tell Big Sal. They would need his help in making things right.

(10:37 am Nov 05, 2005)

(6:15 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Over a hundred million words now and my share is just over eleven thousand.

I have used my four words for today and I don't want to dip into tomorrows words so I will have to pick some extra from my spares. It is a good thing I have already prepared a spares list.

Authentic. I want you to know that my desire to entertain you is authentic. This book is made up of almost one hundred percent authentic words. Some are slang or dialect mind you, but no less authentic for that. Some may be spelled in an innovative fashion, but let me assure you, they are no less authentic because of that.

Authentic. Bona Fide. Tales of brave Ulysses.

Please, if you find any non-authentic words before the contest is over, please, please post suggested authentic replacements so that we can publish a book on lulu at the end of the month that is composed of as near to one hundred percent authentic words as is humanly possible. Let me add... as much as humanely possible as well. You can post suggested authentic replacements as comments on the book's ourmedia blog page.

Authentic. Der real ting. True true tings. Autentic. Ya gat dat right.

(6:26 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Bruno decided to write a little nano song for inclusion in his nano novel. It took a while, but here is what he came up with:

The NanoWriMo Song
Copyright 2005, Bruno da Beat.

I'm gonna write me a nano song.
Not too short and not too long.
Not too weak and not to strong.
I'm gonna write me a nano song.

I'm gonna play me a nano tune.
Along the lines of the cow and the moon.
Hey mister fiddle what became of the spoon?
I think I need him for my nano tune.

I'm gonna throw me a nano ball.
Wine and women and that's not all.
Lot's of beef and hot salsa for all.
Come and dance at my nano ball.

I'm gonna write me a nano book.
Thirty days to write it won't you take a look.
Like my tune there's gonna be no hook.
You can read it in my nano book.

I'm gonna play me a nano game.
There in the forums where some are lame.
Looking for my quarter hour of fame.
I'm gonna play me a nano game.

I'm gonna steal me a nano kiss.
Steal it from you if you will let me miss.
You and I could share some nano bliss.
If I could steal just one nano kiss.

Won't you sing me my nano song.
I would do it but it'd turn out wrong.
Record it for me and send it along.
Won't you sing me my nano song?
Please sing me my nano song?
Won't you sing me my nano song?

(6:37 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Now that is an authentic nano song.

Let's all get up and dance to it. If all you two thousand and five nanoers join with me, we can make it a worldwide hit. What do you say? Let's record it and I will put it up on lulu for sale. Lulu takes twenty percent. If you know of a place to get a better deal, we can go with that. I propose that whatever is cleared on the CD be divided like this.

One share to the 2005 Nano Fundraising Cash-o-Meter
One share to me.
One share to the person who writes the best by-sa music for it.
One share to the recording artist.
One share as a prize to be given out to a 2005 nano winner.

So, we put the cd on sale and buy a copy and promote sales for it. Could we make it a gold record? That would be an accomplishment. OK, so this is somewhat self serving. It would be nice to get some money out of this year's effort. Are there any other nano songs that could go on the cd?

(6:53 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Bruno started on a bowl of oatmeal with brown sugar for dinner and continued writing while he ate. You woln't think that a beat would have to watch what he ate, but you would be mistaken. Bruno had been watching what he ate for several good years now.

Free. Now there is a word that is music to the ears of many. Now English is a funny language when it comes to free. Many languages, I am told, have the equivalent of libre and gratis, but English has free. Free means libre and free means gratis. Many people out in the world currently, love to use these meanings of the word free to confuse matters when arguing before the public. Actually, it is more likely that they are trying to confuse the actual public and not to confuse matters. Of course, they may just be terminally confused themselves. You can find many fine examples of this verbal sleight of hand taking place in discussions surrounding Free Software. Please note, if you decide to do this research for yourself, you should at all times remain cognizant of the fact that Free Software refers to software that is libre and not software that is gratis.

This very book, yes, the one you are currently reading is being released under a Creative Commons BY_SA license in an attempt to set it free. If I find a license that I believe sets it free in a better manner, I will probably release it under that license as well. I do hope to sell it though. So I don't always intend it to be gratis. As a matter of fact, you can even make and sell copies if you so desire. Legally no less. You won't go to jail and face huge, outrageous fines if you make and sell copies of this book. Without sending me once red cent mind you! (SIMBA! Red! Victory!) Obviously, if you sell a bunch of copies, I wouldn't mind if you sent me a share of the proceeds, but there is no legal requirement to do so.

(7:07 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Imagination. Use yours. Imagination. You can do it! Imagine. Imagination. What a beautiful word. What a powerful word. Why, the power contained in that one word is ginourmous.

Let's imagine together for a while. What sort of buzz would be created around nanowrimo if that nano song cd idea that I just imagined took off and the cd went gold or even platinum. I mean, I know that nanowrimo gets a huge amount of buzz as it is, but just imagine.

Let's do it.

Now imagine with me a little longer. Imagine we came up with some way to set a lot of this year's nano novels free. Free as in libre mind you. How could we do this? let me ramble for a bit and see what shows up.

Let's say nano novelist that wanted to let the public read what they had written after having won the contest were to set a Freedom Price on their nano novel this year. Let us imagine further that every nano novelist would commit to buy at least twenty dollars worth of two thousand and five nano novels. I just checked and see over fifty thousand novelists listed as being a part of team two thousand and five. That would give one million dollars to purchase the freedom of nano novels this year.

Now, I need to explain that the Freedom Price is. The Freedom Price is the amount and author sets at which their novel would be set free under a BY-SA license and put up on ourmedia.

Is you imagination working? Let's go on rambling for a bit.

OK, so nano authors set a freedom price for their novel and then put their novel up on lulu or some place similar. I guess we would need a forum set up on nano where they could post links to their shops. They would also pick a selling price for their novel. Natch.

Imagine. This could work you know.

(7:40 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Nano authors would browse around and buy at least twenty dollars worth of nano novels that had not yet reached their freedom price. We could free a lot of words and send a few bob or more to some nano winners. It may help warm a few novelists this winter. And by the way, bob's your uncle.

Or, here is another scenario.

Imagine we decided to put one lucky 2005 nano winner on the new york times best seller list. Since we are discussing Free as well. Imagine we decided that the person would have to set a freedom price of reasonable proportions.

Now imagine that we came up with some way to choose this nano author.

Imagine we took those same fifty thousand plus nano 3005 authors who still committed to spend twenty dollars on nano books after November.

Imagine the lucky winning author put their book on lulu or somewhere similar with a sale price of one dollar. (Actually, they would probably have to get the package with the ISBN number and we would probably have to do our purchasing through Amazon and Barnes and Noble for this to work. I am not sure, does anyone know?

So, we could make a million selling author, overnight.

IMAGINE what sort of BUZZ that could create for NaNoWriMo.

Do you imagine it might generate just a wee bit of buzz? A wee bit do you?

Imagination. Let it run free.

(7:57 pm Nov 05, 2005)

You might be wondering what all of this has to do with the actual novel itself. You have every right to wonder. Those of you paying attention and who are familiar with foreshadowing may already have picked up on this.

You see, these are the sorts of ideas that Bruno had running through his head when thinking about live music and free music and the like.

Badda bing, badda boom. No, not Bruddah Bing and Bruddah Boom. They are still off stage and yes, I know this is a novel (at least it is supposed to be one) and not a play. Remember that quote by the bard? Sure, I knew you could.

Secrets. Ooooh. I could tell you some. Some nice juicy secrets. Not everyone knows this, but secrets and rumours are closely related. Not everyone knows this either, but the people of Spanish Wells are world renowned experts in rumours. Not everyone knows this either, although most Bahamians probably do. In the Bahamas rumours or gossip often go by the name of sip sip.

Now it is a fact that people living in Nassau who have Spanish Wells connections will often be given the latest when talking to their connections up in Spanish Wells. And not the latest concerning the goings on in Eleuthera. Oh no, the latest on the goings on in Nassau. Sometimes breaking news even. It is no wonder that there is a world renowned institute established on the island dedicated to research in the field of rumours.

Of course, it is no secret that Bruddah Bing and Bruddah Boom were still stuck under the bushes in their self woven, blue nylon thread net. Now it may be a secret to some, but did you know that, under the right fictional conditions, blue nylon thread can exceed the strength to weight ratio of carbon nano tubes?

Oops, there's another coincidence for you. Carbon nano tubes showing up in a nano novel. I wonder if that is a first. Perhaps I should let a space elevator get built in a later scene.

Keep that disbelief suspended please. The Author will turn off the sign to let you know when it is safe to turn on your disbelief once again.

(8:21 pm Nov 05, 2005)

Oops. Bruno looked at his watch and realized that he would be late for the burning of the guy if he did not leave soon. Just a few more words to crank out before he could leave.

Now, those of you from other cultures may think that the island women of today are taking things too far. I mean it is one thing to be smarter than the men, but they do not have to get into immolating them. You should know that the burning of the guy is not the same thing as a man being burned as in roached or some other fashion.

Google is your friend in this matter. Remember, remember, the fifth of November.

Bruno dashed out of the door with his guy in his arms. He had not felt the hairs on his neck stand up all evening.

(8:30 pm Nov 05, 2005)

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